Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Do You Fit? Checklist

Disorganized Attachment, also known as Fearful-Avoidant Attachment, can develop in response to complex and often traumatic relationships or environments during early life. Those with this attachment style may feel conflicting desires for closeness and independence, resulting in intense emotional struggles in relationships. 

This checklist aims to help identify patterns associated with disorganized attachment, providing a framework for better understanding and addressing these tendencies. Remember, while the checklist offers insight, connecting with a mental health professional can provide individualized support for navigating these experiences.

*Disclaimer

This checklist is designed for personal reflection and is not intended as a substitute for professional guidance. The questions are based on personal experiences and may help you identify potential patterns. Self-awareness is important, but it's crucial to seek professional support for accurate assessment and treatment. 

This website does not provide medical or psychological advice, and we are not responsible for any interpretations or actions taken based on the results of this checklist.

Section 1: Conflicting Desires for Closeness and Independence

1. Do you often feel torn between wanting closeness with others and wanting to keep your distance?

2. Do you experience strong feelings of fear or anxiety when someone gets emotionally close?

3. Do you sometimes push people away, even though you desire a deeper connection?

4. When in relationships, do you feel both the urge to rely on others and a need to be self-sufficient?

5. Do you often feel that trusting others is dangerous, even with those you care about?

6. Do you find yourself longing for support but feeling fearful of dependency?

7. Are you afraid of getting too close to others, but also afraid of being alone?

8. Do you worry that letting others in might expose you to emotional harm?

9. Do you have difficulty maintaining relationships due to fluctuating needs for closeness and distance?

10. Are you unsure how much emotional intimacy you want or need in relationships?

Section 2: Emotional Instability and Intensity in Relationships

1. Do you find that your emotions in relationships can change suddenly or unexpectedly?

2. Do you experience intense emotional highs and lows in your close relationships?

3. Do you often feel overwhelmed by your emotions when someone gets close?

4. Do you feel highly sensitive to perceived rejection or criticism from others?

5. Do you struggle to regulate your emotions when faced with relationship stress?

6. Are your relationships characterized by repeated cycles of closeness and withdrawal?

7. Do you sometimes act impulsively in relationships, especially during emotional moments?

8. Do you feel conflicted between desiring affection and fearing it?

9. Do your emotions often feel “out of control” in relationships, even if you try to stay calm?

10. Do you feel easily triggered by reminders of past hurt or rejection?

Section 3: Fear of Rejection and Abandonment

1. Do you constantly worry that others will leave or abandon you, even without cause?

2. Do you feel that expressing your needs may push others away?

3. Are you highly sensitive to signs that someone may be pulling away from you?

4. Do you feel anxious in relationships, fearing they will end unexpectedly?

5. Do you sometimes sabotage relationships due to a fear of being hurt?

6. Are you afraid of fully trusting someone, thinking they’ll eventually betray you?

7. Do you have a strong fear of rejection, even from people you’re not close to?

8. Do you avoid opening up because you worry others will judge or reject you?

9. Do you find it hard to believe others will stay with you, even if they say they care?

10. Do you feel a persistent sense of insecurity in relationships, no matter what?

Section 4: Struggles with Self-Identity and Self-Worth

1. Do you often feel unsure of your own worth in relationships?

2. Do you struggle to feel deserving of love or acceptance from others?

3. Do you feel “not good enough” and worry that others will see this?

4. Are you critical of yourself, especially in the context of relationships?

5. Do you often feel that something is wrong with you, making others pull away?

6. Do you feel the need to “prove” yourself or “earn” others’ love?

7. Are you easily influenced by others’ opinions, especially about yourself?

8. Do you feel unworthy or undeserving when someone shows affection toward you?

9. Do you have trouble defining who you are outside of relationships?

10. Are you uncomfortable with self-acceptance and often question your own value?

Section 5: Difficulty Communicating Needs and Boundaries

1. Do you struggle to communicate your needs, fearing it will upset others?

2. Are you hesitant to set boundaries because you worry about rejection?

3. Do you find yourself “testing” others to see if they truly care about you?

4. Do you feel uncomfortable asking for support, even when you need it?

5. Are you afraid that expressing dissatisfaction might make others leave?

6. Do you often wait for others to guess what you need, instead of asking?

7. Do you feel guilt or shame when trying to assert yourself in relationships?

8. Are you unsure what healthy boundaries look like in relationships?

9. Do you often avoid conflict, even at the expense of your own well-being?

10. Do you sometimes feel resentful when people don’t understand your needs?

Rough Scoring Guide

- Over 60 "Yes" Answers: Strong indicators of disorganized attachment patterns, likely affecting both personal and relationship stability.

- 30 - 59 "Yes" Answers: Moderate presence of disorganized attachment tendencies, which may lead to relationship challenges and inner conflict.

- 0-29 "Yes" Answers: Few or minimal signs of disorganized attachment patterns, or you may have learned effective ways to manage these tendencies.

Conclusion

If you resonate with many of the items in this checklist, you may identify with a Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment style. 

This attachment style can bring a sense of confusion and inner conflict in relationships, as both closeness and distance can feel unsettling. 

Recognizing these patterns is a powerful first step toward healing, as understanding your needs and emotions can lead to healthier connections. Support from a mental health professional can be invaluable, offering tools and guidance to manage fears, build self-worth, and foster fulfilling relationships.

If you found this checklist useful, check out our full collection of resources. Share these with friends and family to spread awareness and help others recognize important signs.

You might also enjoy exploring our “Resilient Soul Collection” of products which is specially designed for those who have experienced family scapegoating, grown up in dysfunctional families, dealt with narcissistic parenting, or are childhood trauma survivors.