Identifying Verbal Abuse in Family Relationships Checklist

Verbal abuse in families can be challenging to identify, especially when abusive comments are disguised as jokes or criticism is masked as “constructive feedback.” Verbal abuse can leave deep emotional scars, damaging self-esteem, and sense of self-worth. 

This checklist will help you reflect on interactions in your family to recognize patterns of harmful communication. If these signs resonate with you, understanding them may be the first step toward setting boundaries and seeking support.

*Disclaimer:

This checklist is a guide to help identify signs of verbal abuse in family relationships. It is not an official diagnostic tool or medical advice. For an official assessment, please consult a licensed mental health professional.

Section 1: Belittling and Insults Disguised as Jokes

1. Do family members often say hurtful things, then laugh it off and claim they were “just joking”?

2. Do they frequently make you feel small, foolish, or inadequate through so-called humor?

3. Are sarcastic remarks often directed at you that make you feel uncomfortable or ashamed?

4. Do they use nicknames or labels that feel demeaning, even when you’ve asked them to stop?

5. Do they belittle your interests, accomplishments, or intelligence in front of others?

6. Are you frequently told that you “can’t take a joke” when you react to a hurtful comment?

7. Do they mock or imitate you in ways that feel embarrassing or humiliating?

8. Are critical remarks about your appearance, actions, or choices often passed off as humor?

9. Do they tell you that they’re “just having fun” when you’re visibly hurt by their words?

10. Are their “jokes” often aimed at something you’re insecure about?

Section 2: Gaslighting and Dismissal of Feelings

1. Are you told you’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting” when you express hurt feelings?

2. Do family members deny saying things that you clearly remember, making you doubt your memory?

3. Are your feelings frequently dismissed as “dramatic” or “attention-seeking”?

4. Do they tell you that you “imagine things” or accuse you of misinterpreting their intentions?

5. Do they insist that you’re “making a big deal out of nothing” when you bring up an issue?

6. Have they ever claimed that you’re “blowing things out of proportion” to minimize your feelings?

7. Do they frequently say, “I never said that,” even when you’re certain they did?

8. Are you made to feel unreasonable for setting boundaries around how you’re spoken to?

9. Do they refuse to acknowledge their hurtful words, insisting you “misunderstood” them?

10. Do you feel confused or unsure about your perception of events after talking to them?

Section 3: Criticism and Constant Judgement

1. Do they frequently criticize your appearance, choices, or personality?

2. Are you told you’re “not good enough” or that you’ll “never measure up”?

3. Do they judge or comment negatively on almost everything you do?

4. Have they made you feel like you’ll never be successful or worth anything?

5. Are you constantly corrected or criticized, even for minor things?

6. Do they focus on your flaws and mistakes while ignoring your strengths?

7. Are you told that your achievements are insignificant or not good enough?

8. Do they undermine your self-worth by comparing you unfavorably to others?

9. Are you given backhanded compliments that feel more like insults?

10. Do you feel you’re always “walking on eggshells” to avoid criticism?

Section 4: Name-Calling and Labeling

1. Are you often called hurtful names, even during casual conversations?

2. Do they use labels that make you feel worthless, like “loser,” “idiot,” or worse?

3. Are demeaning words used when they’re angry, which they later try to excuse?

4. Do they use words that attack your character rather than your actions?

5. Have you been called derogatory names in front of others, making you feel ashamed?

6. Do they make comments that imply you’re not worthy of respect or kindness?

7. Are insults disguised as “pet names” or “terms of endearment” used toward you?

8. Do you feel degraded by the language or tone they use when speaking to you?

9. Are you told that you’re “pathetic,” “lazy,” “stupid,” or similar terms regularly?

10. Do they act as though you “deserve” these labels due to your actions or personality?

Section 5: Manipulation and Emotional Blackmail

1. Do they use guilt to control you, making you feel bad for not meeting their expectations?

2. Are threats made, either subtly or directly, to get you to comply or stay silent?

3. Do they manipulate conversations to always seem “right” and make you “wrong”?

4. Have they ever used statements like, “After all I’ve done for you,” to pressure you?

5. Are you made to feel selfish or ungrateful for expressing personal needs?

6. Do they twist your words to make you look bad or like the aggressor?

7. Are you often blamed for their negative emotions or unhappiness?

8. Have they used personal information against you to win arguments or control you?

9. Do they use “guilt trips” to make you feel bad for spending time on your own interests?

10. Do you feel that they’ll withhold affection, attention, or approval if you don’t comply?

Scoring System

Verbal abuse can be damaging to self-esteem, mental health, and overall well-being. If these questions reflect experiences within your family, it may indicate a pattern of verbal abuse.

- 60+ “Yes” responses: This suggests a high likelihood of verbal abuse in the family environment. Seeking professional support may be crucial in understanding and healing from these experiences.

- 30–49 “Yes” responses: This suggests significant signs of verbal abuse, which may be affecting your self-worth and mental health. Reflecting on these dynamics with a counselor could provide clarity and strategies for setting boundaries.

- 0–29 “Yes” responses: These signs might be subtle but still impactful. Considering support from friends, counselors, or resources may help you address any concerns.

Conclusion

If you recognize these behaviors in family interactions, know that verbal abuse is not your fault, and you deserve to be spoken to with respect and kindness. Support is available, and taking steps to address these patterns can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

If you found this checklist useful, check out our full collection of resources. Share these with friends and family to spread awareness and help others recognize important signs.

You might also enjoy exploring our “Resilient Soul Collection” of products which is specially designed for those who have experienced family scapegoating, grown up in dysfunctional families, dealt with narcissistic parenting, or are childhood trauma survivors.