The Enabler’s Role: A Checklist for Dysfunctional Families
In many dysfunctional families, abusive or narcissistic behavior is sustained not only by the actions of the abuser but also by someone who enables that behavior, either by actively supporting it or by choosing to ignore or justify it.
The enabler may be a parent, sibling, or other family member who, knowingly or unknowingly, helps maintain this toxic dynamic. This checklist is designed to help you assess whether someone in your family might be playing the role of the enabler, either through passive inaction, rationalization, or intentional reinforcement.
*Disclaimer
This checklist is designed for personal reflection and is not intended as a substitute for professional guidance. The questions are based on personal experiences and may help you identify potential patterns. Self-awareness is important, but it's crucial to seek professional support for accurate assessment and treatment.
This website does not provide medical or psychological advice, and we are not responsible for any interpretations or actions taken based on the results of this checklist.
Section 1: Defending or Justifying Abusive Behavior
1. Does this person often excuse or defend the harmful actions of the abusive family member?
2. Do they claim that the abusive person “means well” or “has a good heart” despite their actions?
3. Do they downplay or minimize the harm caused, suggesting it’s “not that bad”?
4. Have they suggested that the abuse or toxic behavior is somehow your fault?
5. Do they say things like “that’s just how they are” to justify harmful behavior?
6. Do they act as if the abusive person’s behavior is normal, acceptable, or something that everyone has to tolerate?
7. Have they ever tried to make you feel guilty for criticizing or speaking out against the abuse?
8. Do they make excuses for the abuser’s behavior, attributing it to stress, work, or other external factors?
9. Have they said you should be “more understanding” of the abusive family member’s perspective?
10. Do they dismiss or ignore valid complaints about the harm the abusive person has caused?
Section 2: Denial and Avoidance
1. Does this person avoid talking about the abusive behavior, even when it’s directly affecting others?
2. Do they pretend as if nothing is wrong when confronted with signs of abuse or dysfunction?
3. Have they denied any problems exist, even when the issues are obvious to others?
4. Do they react with anger or frustration when someone brings up the abusive behavior?
5. Have they changed the subject or become defensive when you’ve tried to discuss family problems?
6. Do they act as though they’re completely unaware of the abuse, despite being present for it?
7. Have they refused to listen to your concerns about the family’s dynamics?
8. Do they appear uncomfortable or silent when others speak about the abuse?
9. Do they deny any personal responsibility for their role in maintaining the family dynamics?
10. Have they ever suggested you’re exaggerating or imagining the abusive behavior?
Section 3: Passive Acceptance and Compliance
1. Does this person go along with the abuser’s wishes, even when it seems unfair or harmful to others?
2. Do they rarely (or never) stand up for themselves or others when the abuser acts out?
3. Are they reluctant to challenge the abuser or call out toxic behavior?
4. Do they follow the abuser’s lead in family matters, without expressing their own opinions?
5. Have they gone along with decisions that hurt others to avoid conflict with the abuser?
6. Do they remain passive or silent when witnessing abusive behavior?
7. Have they ignored or brushed off situations where they could have intervened to protect others?
8. Do they appear to prioritize the abuser’s comfort and approval over others’ well-being?
9. Do they avoid doing anything that would contradict the abuser or make them upset?
10. Have they chosen to “keep the peace” by aligning with the abuser instead of standing up for what’s right?
Section 4: Gaining Approval or Advantages from the Situation
1. Does this person seem to side with the abuser in order to stay in their good graces?
2. Have they ever benefited financially, socially, or emotionally by supporting the abuser’s behavior?
3. Do they receive praise or special treatment from the abuser that others do not?
4. Have they shown favoritism toward the abuser, even if it means neglecting others?
5. Do they agree with the abuser’s perspective in arguments, even if they know it’s unfair?
6. Have they supported the abuser to avoid becoming a target themselves?
7. Do they seem to enjoy a “safe” or “favored” status that others in the family do not have?
8. Have they ever knowingly allowed someone else to take the blame to keep their relationship with the abuser secure?
9. Are they dismissive of anyone else’s needs or feelings if it conflicts with the abuser’s desires?
10. Have they shown a tendency to align with the abuser’s point of view over family members who need support?
Section 5: Inconsistencies in Support and Understanding
1. Do they sometimes acknowledge the abusive behavior but continue to support the abuser anyway?
2. Have they acted empathetic in private but aligned with the abuser in public or around others?
3. Do they occasionally express regret or guilt about not standing up to the abuser, but do nothing to change the situation?
4. Have they encouraged you to “stay strong” privately, yet shown a different attitude around the abuser?
5. Do they seem aware of the issues but claim they’re powerless to do anything about them?
6. Have they offered comfort to victims in the family but still ultimately supported the abuser’s decisions?
7. Are there times when they criticize the abuser privately but publicly defend them?
8. Have they ever seemed genuinely empathetic yet unwilling to disrupt the family’s status quo?
9. Do they appear to struggle with conflicted loyalties but ultimately choose to side with the abuser?
10. Have they expressed awareness of the toxicity but continued to participate in enabling behavior?
Scoring System
- Over 60 "Yes" Responses: Strong indication of an enabling role, suggesting this person consistently supports or tolerates the dysfunctional family dynamics, whether passively or actively.
- 30-59 "Yes" Responses: Moderate alignment, suggesting enabling behaviors that may fluctuate depending on circumstances or relationships within the family.
- Fewer than 30 "Yes" Responses: Limited alignment, indicating that while some enabling tendencies may exist, this person might not play a central role in perpetuating the dynamics.
Conclusion
If many of these questions resonate, it may suggest that someone in the family is acting as an enabler, consciously or unconsciously supporting the abusive or dysfunctional dynamics. Recognizing an enabler’s role can clarify how certain patterns persist within the family and help identify ways to address these behaviors constructively.
If you found this checklist useful, check out our full collection of resources. Share these with friends and family to spread awareness and help others recognize important signs.
You might also enjoy exploring our “Resilient Soul Collection” of products which is specially designed for those who have experienced family scapegoating, grown up in dysfunctional families, dealt with narcissistic parenting, or are childhood trauma survivors.